being cremated is my last hope of getting a hot, smoking body
First, look your aggressor in the eye for just long enough to make it uncomfortable. If they look away first, great: You can use the delay to prepare for the next step.
Once eye contact has been reestablished, contort your face into an expression of intense horror and start screaming at the top of your lungs. Scream for as long as possible, all the while keeping your gaze fixed squarely on the person who approached you.
By the time you’re done screaming, everyone in the area will likely have stopped what they were doing to stare at you. Offer your conversational partner a friendly smile and say, “There. Now everyone is quiet.”